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Battling Post Natal Depression with Two Children

I thought I would do a blog post all around postnatal depression and anxiety. I sadly suffered with depression prior to having children due to various reasons which is a whole other story. When I had my first baby in 2020 it was the start of the pandemic and if I’m honest being at home, secluded just me and my fiance was actually blissful BUT the support for breastfeeding,mental health and being a new mum was 0.

Luckily when you become a mum it kind of just comes naturally and you just adapt to be the best mum you can be and even though now looking back I really was the best mum I could be to Nellie… I couldn’t help but doubt my ability, doubt everything. The juggle of routines and breastfeeding and looking after myself and being the best fiance was just knocking me down. The thought of delegating anything filled me with dread that I wasn’t capable.

I didn’t sit down… if I wasn’t being a mum, I was cleaning and if I wasn’t cleaning I was doing something else productive and it was just non stop. I physically wouldn’t let myself sit down and rest because if I did then I had “failed” and had an unproductive day.

I can remember when Covid restrictions lifted and there was opportunities for Nellie to go out for the day with my mother in law … as grateful as I am now and appreciative of all the support at the time this felt like hell in my head I just kept going over scenarios I had made up in my brain like “they will crash and Nellie will die, she will get covid and end up in hospital and die” everything in my brain resulted in DEATH. It was destroying me and I just couldn’t relax.

Soon after Nellie was born and all these feelings were getting worse and worse I went back into antidepressants and it really mellowed me out BUT being a busy mum it’s so easy to just forget to take your tablets. Then I would be worse spiralling out of control thinking life was pointless and I wasn’t worthy of living and the only thing that gave me focus was photographing my little girl and setting up little photography scenes for every occasion Valentines,Easter,half birthdays you name it I shot it!

My passion then turned into my little side hobby business during the tail end of Covid. I then fell pregnant with my second baby and he was a very happy accident. He was born 11 weeks before our wedding which in itself was stressful but I’m all go go go and I wouldn’t of had it any other way. Planning a wedding with a toddler and a newborn was eventful but we had the most magical day.

My depression after having Aubrey doubled. I had the most beautiful magical birth… but he was whisked away to Nicu as he was seriously unwell. They thought he had meningitis and every test they were doing blood tests , lumbar puncture … they just kept coming back and the infection markers kept rising. I honestly thought he was going to die. As he was whisked away so abruptly after birth and taken to Nicu I was given the option to stay on the postnatal ward and visit him as and when I wanted too but because my other baby was at home and wanted me I just wanted to be with her. I felt like I was judged for this decision massively by the Norwich hospital but my support network and comfort were at home… my husband knows how to support and care for me better than anyone at the hospital … he is my home and I needed to be with him and my daughter. We still spent 8 hours a day up Nicu between us.

Aubrey was finally discharged after 7 days and this was the best day of our lives. Our family unit back together and safe but I still had in my head that he was super unwell and dying even though he wasn’t.

Weeks went by and Aubrey was thriving but I wasn’t. The juggle of motherhood, two kids, opposite routines , leaving the house, food, everything was just so overwhelming and I felt like I had to climb Mount Everest before we could even leave the house.

I was snappy, irritable and just not the mum I wanted to be. Life seemed pointless. As much as I love my kids and they are my whole world I couldn’t help thinking how much easier it would be if I just left.

Aubrey was born in June and right after he was born I found out my nanny had bowel cancer and she went in for bowel surgery. July my fiancés nanny died which was so heartbreaking and August was our wedding it was a lot in a few months to deal with infact once the wedding was over we both said “thank god the wedding is over” awful … but exactly how we both felt.

Anyway the moral of this story is that if you are feeling unstable and mentally unable to cope please ask for help and contact your GP. My medication was upped after having Aubrey and the only way I can explain how it makes me feel is that it lifts the fog from my head. Gives me more thinking and breathing space and makes me a better mum. Sertraline saved my life. It enhances everyday and I can now see the beauty in the mundane slow days, the days where I get nothing done but just sit and chill with the kids it’s just bliss. I now evolve the kids in the mundane jobs such as pulling out the weeds, popping a wash on, picking up leaves from the garden.

Give yourself time to recover. You are doing amazing, you are amazing. My inbox is always open to chat, please if you’re struggling just send me a message because I was once you and I know how tricky it can be.

Sending love

Megan x

“You aren’t alone and you don’t need to suffer alone."

Norwich, Norfolk, hypnobirthing teacher , depression, postnatal depression , wedding

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